Some things I would consider changing is starting out my paper with a hook instead of just getting to the point/ thesis and veiws. It would have been beter if i had grabbed the readers attention. Another thing I would add is more "showing, less telling".
Some things i would keep the same was the examples I used in my story. I know i was supposed to condence my paper and just tell one story about my self, but I feel like I was still able to incorpourate my self in the paraghraphs that i wrote about others and my self. The reason I didnt change it was because I felt that since those were the reasons I believed in my topic i shouldnt lie and say the only thing I based my feelings on were my self. I felt it showed I owned my paper because I ment what I wrote about and it was shown in the content of my paper.
Some tips I picked up was when writing I need to make sure and say "A person" or "Some people" in stead of saying "you" that way Im not forcing my views on the reader. Also it helped to read out loud which i usually do but this time i used that stratagie alot more.
I think the peer review is a great idea and works very well. I expecially like the fact that we post on blogs and have the recource to read others writting and give advice/ gain ideas.
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